7 years!

I can't believe it has been 7 years since my surgery!  I honestly didn't believe that I would live this long.  I ended up getting the other breast removed, just in case.  I did not get reconstruction, so I am flat.  I still get 6 month check ups with my oncologist, now I see Dr. Leibers.  A year after my first mastectomy, my son treated me to a trip to St. Croix in the USVI.  It was wonderful there!  My hair had come back like a little gray puff ball on my head!  

Post cancer life has not been easy.  I feel like my physical health  has been declining and I've become much weaker.  I think this is my fault and not the cancer's fault.  Not having breasts and ovaries has really done a number on me as far as feeling like a woman.  I'm single now and men don't like women without breasts, especially fat women without breasts.  The ovary removal has made intercourse very painful, so intimacy for me is really not up there on the scale of importance.  Dating is hard, first I have to find someone that might be interested, then tell them about the cancer and most of them run like hell.  I only had one guy that wanted to date me and it turned out he was an ex felon (domestic violence).
I have learned a lot about myself and my relationships.  I go to frequent counseling and I am being treated for anxiety and depression.  I don't know when I will update here again, but I'm still alive!

Been a long time since I posted here!

It is over one year now since my diagnosis of invasive lobular carcinoma.  The surgery, chemo and radiation are memories now.  Almost like it really didn't happen to me, but it did.  I have the scar to prove it.  Still going to specialists for regular check ups.  On Tuesday I am going to Albany to see a plastic surgeon about reconstruction.  I'm a little scared because it is a big surgery.  I know I will feel a lot better about myself after however.

I have been loosing weight that I gained since getting my ovaries removed.  The old fashioned way with dieting and exercise.  I am on a new pill to cut my hormone level  even further.

I am hoping that after the reconstructive surgery, I can go back to work.  Not at my old job, too stressful.  Maybe get re-training thru Social Security.

Happy Mother's Day!

I would like to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day today.  I wish I could give my Mommy a gift today, but I will be sending her a package soon with some old family photos and a surprise!  Myself.. I received a bleeding heart plant, solar lights, a gift card and flowers and a cake! 

I was feeling pretty depressed and sorry for myself yesterday.  I didn't go to the Mother's Day tea at church because I just didn't feel like sitting around and smiling and trying to be happy.  I will go to church today and be happy there.  Maybe during the sermon we can get the bigger kids outside to start the garden.  I will see who is in charge of the class today and ask them.  Or we can do it after during fellowship.  Need to get those seeds in the ground soon! 

I am having a hard time dealing with being bald.  I am having a hard time dealing with only having one breast.  I feel very self conscious.  I try to project a positive appearance on the outside but inside I'm cringing.  Not that I'm a supermodel to begin with but I don't want people to look at me and feel sorry for me.  I have been getting the pity smile occasionally in public.  I just smile back and go on my way.  No one asks questions.  I just had one lady approach me out of the blue and tell me to stop by her spa and get some cooling gel for when I start chemo!  I haven't worn my wig.  I feel like that will make me stand out even more.  It is too tight anyhow.  I am supposed to go to look good feel good at the Cancer center on Monday and I will take it with me and see if they can fix it.  I'm hoping to get a prosthesis soon too.  Waiting for insurance approval.  Those light weight puffs don't cut it.  I look lopsided!  Maybe I can put a rock in it!  LOL  Anyhow I am trying to enjoy spring and my birds and the sunshine.  Blessings to all!

Been a little lax in journaling here!

I guess I have been slacking off with the updates on my treatment.  I had my second chemo on 4/29.  I didn't get as sick this time because I was given Emend by my Dr. to take right before and the following two days.  The only problem I had was feeling like I had eaten a huge turkey dinner when I only had a sandwich.  At least I could eat.  Then came the pain after the Nuelasta shot.  Horrible back pain.  For days.  Like being squeezed in an vise grip for hours on end.  Even my guts felt squished.  My hair started falling out the day after Easter.  I cut it off and then got a crew cut.  A day later I just buzzed if right off.  I still have some stubble left but I'm learning to deal with bald.  

I am enjoying the arrival of spring.  Some days are colder than others but I felt it safe enough to go ahead and plant the lettuce and broccoli.  I have to get some cabbage still.  I did get a six pack but left it over at the church for the garden there.  

More chemo on Wednesday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I want it to be over!  I have six more treatments.  SIX.  Then radiation.  I got another cold this time around.  I'm sick of being sick..  First picture is me with my wig on that I probably won't wear!

Almost time for Round #2

I just plain forgot to post after Chemo #1.  My surgery went easily for my port placement.  Not much pain after, just a little sore.  I got my first chemo treatment on April 13th.  They got the needle right in on the port and started me on fluids and steroids.  Then came the A push.  Andriamycin.  It is red and is a ten minute hand push by the nurse into the IV.  You pee red for a day after!  Then she put me on the cyclophosphamide drip.  After that I was done.  There was one point where she flushed the line and I got a hit of Epiruben I think and it felt like ants were crawling all over me and biting.  Even "down there".  I was squirming!  Oh and I got something for nausea.  Didn't work, by dinner time I was hunched on the toilet using the puke bucket.  I was sick for 4 days after.  I have had assorted symptoms.  Nausea, bone pain, general aches and pains, brain fuzz, I started to feel great by day 9 and had all kinds of energy.  Wondering if it was a mania.  I crashed yesterday, got so angry and started crying.  Well, another dose on Wed and I think my hair will start going soon. 

Easter was nice at church and I'm glad for that.  Nice breakfast and nice group of people.  Really starting to feel like I belong.

Still waiting

My appointment with the oncologist was rescheduled to next week because we are waiting for one test to come back.  They said it would be easier if all the tests were back so he can come up with a plan for treatment.  My incision seems to be getting a little better.  I went to the surgeon and she told me to pack it with gauze soaked in saline water and then cover it.  I put the ointment on it too.  It is taking a long time, but she said in two weeks it should be almost healed up.  I really hope so!  

I got a free head covering today from Gaila.  It is very pretty.  I just have to figure out how to put it on so it doesn't look dumb.  

  It has long ties in the back that come around and tie in the front.  I might wear it so it ties in the back, just my preference.  I don't want a huge bow on my forehead!  It is a great organization however and so nice to send me a free hat!

Incision getting worse

I can't even justify calling this thing an incision anymore.  Gaping wound is more like it.  I was cleaning it out this morning and trying to move away some of the dead tissue as instructed by my Dr.  The only tool I had besides my finger was a Q-tip so I used that.  I managed to work a hole through it and was rewarding with a geyser of gushing yellow fluid.  That kind of freaked me out but really didn't surprise me because I had a feeling that this sucker was tunneling.  It is really deep and keeps draining fluid.  Probably all the fluid backed up from having the tubes out and not having drainage.  I had been calling the surgeons office since Wed and today insisted on talking to someone.  Of course the Dr was in surgery today and I won't be seen until Monday!  I will probably need a nursing agency to come in and pack the wound etc...  I am not happy about this at all!  It is going to take weeks to heal this up.  I'm just hoping the whole incision doesn't open up.  It is not comfortable.  I feel odd sensations in my chest when I move and when I drink hot or cold liquids I feel that under the mastectomy site too. 
This reminds me of some of the terrible bed sores I have seen over the years while working at the nursing home.  They take a long time to heal up.  I am debating whether to post a picture of it or not.  It is pretty gross so maybe not!  Oh I was also chastised by the nurse for using a Q-tip!  I guess next time I will just stick my finger in there and drill it around!